Stefan, for the past year you've been saying that you think I don't like you. You know that I love you but actually "like" you, you weren't sure. And I know I've given you reasons to think so but that is so far from the truth.
I don't always like that you're more level-headed than me and I'm the tempered one. I don't always like that you're smarter and therefore catch everything. I don't always like that you being older sometimes feels like you're further than me. I don't always like that I'm second in your life. I don't always like watching you leave every morning. I don't always like exposing myself. I don't always like being sad and not being able to hide it. I don't always like admitting when things aren't going well. I don't always like being bad at things and it being pointed out. I don't always like being wrong. I don't always like having people in my space. The list can go on and on.
The things I don't "like" are the things forcing me to grow. All these things that poke at my insecurity, are the very same things I've always wanted in a life partner. I'm just afraid and sometimes it just feels a little too good to be true. But I am so exhausted from trying to constantly pull away. I'm so sick of self-sabotaging. I want you. I need you.
I need your level-headness because you are my safe space.
I need your wit, intelligence and partnership because I need to be challenged.
I need your age because I need to be emotionally and mentally stimulated.
I need your fatherhood because I need to trust that my life partner will be the kind of father that never abandons his children.
I need your ambition because I need someone I can create and collaborate with.
I need your honesty because I need to be honest with myself.
I need your intimacy because I need connection and desperately want to be loved for all that I am.
I need you to teach me because I am not above being taught.
I need you around because you're everything I've dreamed of having.
I am stubborn, insecure, self-critical, hard-headed, fearful, sensitive and sometimes... even mean. I know.
But, I'm not going to apologize anymore. All I'm going to do is be honest about everything, acknowledge everything and do my very absolute best to give you everything. I want to give you my everything.
I promise, I will give you my everything.
About the Author
Keosha is a Toronto based artist who first met Stefan when she was 23 years old. Keosha's life changed the moment they met at the Paul Quarrington Ice Rink on December 11th, 2020. The number 11 has become a significant number in Keosha's life because Stefan's birthday is also on the 11th month and his birthday centers when they first had a real conversation that went until 3 in the morning. Keosha has never loved a person more than she's ever loved Stefan, he is everything she has ever dreamed of and more. This blog is dedicated to him and their love.