I'm an Idiot

Obviously. 

Stefan, for the past year you've been saying that you think I don't like you. You know that I love you but actually "like" you, you weren't sure. And I know I've given you reasons to think so but that is so far from the truth. 

I don't always like that you're more level-headed than me and I'm the tempered one. I don't always like that you're smarter and therefore catch everything. I don't always like that you being older sometimes feels like you're further than me. I don't always like that I'm second in your life. I don't always like watching you leave every morning. I don't always like exposing myself. I don't always like being sad and not being able to hide it. I don't always like admitting when things aren't going well. I don't always like being bad at things and it being pointed out. I don't always like being wrong. I don't always like having people in my space. The list can go on and on.

The things I don't "like" are the things forcing me to grow. All these things that poke at my insecurity, are the very same things I've always wanted in a life partner. I'm just afraid and sometimes it just feels a little too good to be true. But I am so exhausted from trying to constantly pull away. I'm so sick of self-sabotaging. I want you. I need you.

I need your level-headness because you are my safe space.
I need your wit, intelligence and partnership because I need to be challenged. 
I need your age because I need to be emotionally and mentally stimulated.
I need your fatherhood because I need to trust that my life partner will be the kind of father that never abandons his children.
I need your ambition because I need someone I can create and collaborate with.
I need your honesty because I need to be honest with myself.
I need your intimacy because I need connection and desperately want to be loved for all that I am.
I need you to teach me because I am not above being taught. 
I need you around because you're everything I've dreamed of having.

I am stubborn, insecure, self-critical, hard-headed, fearful, sensitive and sometimes... even mean. I know. 
But, I'm not going to apologize anymore. All I'm going to do is be honest about everything, acknowledge everything and do my very absolute best to give you everything. I want to give you my everything. 

​I promise, I will give you my everything.