You're not just in my dreams, you are the dream. If I lost you, there would be no replacing your touch, your love, your warmth, your voice, your everything. I don't want to ever lose that feeling that only you can make me feel.
So what exactly do I dream of?
You. It'll always be you.
I also dream of the kind of love that leaves the house just for sweet potato fries. I want to stop in the middle a drive and make love to you in the back seat in-front of a Dollarama. I want to jump on your back and roll in the grass. I want to beat you at soccer because you let me. I want to travel places where you can read to me about rich history. I want to write poems with you and for you. I want to laugh until our stomach burns. I want to wake up and feel like if the only good thing that happened today was waking up to you that it would be okay. I want to hold hands everywhere all the time. I want kids that we match with and drive to music classes. I want to be the couple that runs to the front to videotape our kids on stage. I want forehead kisses right before anyone ever leaves the door. I want you to hide under the bed and scare me. I want to hide in the washroom and scare you while you're in the shower. I want to wear matching sunglasses with you. I want to be in silence with you as we watch the sunset. I want to put my head on your shoulders on every airplane ride. I want to cry in the palm of your hands and for you to never stop touching my face. I want to kiss your entire chest and nuzzle your neck. I want nose kisses. I want snuggles. I want really long walks in the rain. I want to ice-skate and roller-skate by the water. I want roadtrips and to take turns playing albums from start to finish. I want really spooky Halloween decor and marathons to be a family Halloween tradition that you hate but secretly love. I want to keep adding things to the calendar. I want to do karaoke and watch you vocally out beat everyone in the first song. I want to kiss you for a really really long time. I want you inside of me, all of the time. I want to binge sci-fi and romantic shows with you. I want to take film photos that we show to our grandchildren. I want a house with a garden. I want a huge library. I want to read together on an island rooftop. I want a writing room that has a huge piano. I want you to play and sing to me while I write. I want to sing with you. I want to make family songs and sing Christmas Carols. I want to hosts get-to-togethers on our patio. I want to invest in the most beautiful couch that we fall asleep in together. I want to bird watch with you. I want to climb mountains and do hard things with you. I want to be outside in my most least favourite season with you. I want to have snowball fights and wrestling matches. I want you to teach me chess. I want to get mad when you beat me at it every single time. I want to play pickle-ball. I want to travel to South Africa, Morocco, Thailand and the Red Sea with you. I want to see the Tigers in India with you. I want to snorkel in Australia with you. I want to be successful with you. I want to open a family business, just because with you. I want to sky-dive with you. I want to try new foods and replace Salmon and mashed potatoes with you I want to set roots somewhere warm with you. I want our kids to be a reflection of you. I want it all with you, as long as it's you. As long as it's you sweetface.
I am dreaming of our forever and always.
Stefan, for the past year you've been saying that you think I don't like you. You know that I love you but actually "like" you, you weren't sure. And I know I've given you reasons to think so but that is so far from the truth.
I don't always like that you're more level-headed than me and I'm the tempered one. I don't always like that you're smarter and therefore catch everything. I don't always like that you being older sometimes feels like you're further than me. I don't always like that I'm second in your life. I don't always like watching you leave every morning. I don't always like exposing myself. I don't always like being sad and not being able to hide it. I don't always like admitting when things aren't going well. I don't always like being bad at things and it being pointed out. I don't always like being wrong. I don't always like having people in my space. The list can go on and on.
The things I don't "like" are the things forcing me to grow. All these things that poke at my insecurity, are the very same things I've always wanted in a life partner. I'm just afraid and sometimes it just feels a little too good to be true. But I am so exhausted from trying to constantly pull away. I'm so sick of self-sabotaging. I want you. I need you.
I need your level-headness because you are my safe space.
I need your wit, intelligence and partnership because I need to be challenged.
I need your age because I need to be emotionally and mentally stimulated.
I need your fatherhood because I need to trust that my life partner will be the kind of father that never abandons his children.
I need your ambition because I need someone I can create and collaborate with.
I need your honesty because I need to be honest with myself.
I need your intimacy because I need connection and desperately want to be loved for all that I am.
I need you to teach me because I am not above being taught.
I need you around because you're everything I've dreamed of having.
I am stubborn, insecure, self-critical, hard-headed, fearful, sensitive and sometimes... even mean. I know.
But, I'm not going to apologize anymore. All I'm going to do is be honest about everything, acknowledge everything and do my very absolute best to give you everything. I want to give you my everything.
I promise, I will give you my everything.
Stefan, you are the love of my life. There are a thousands of reasons why I fell in love with you and even a thousand more of why I still am.
You inspire me. With your ideas, your goals, even your desires. You think big of yourself, of Lex and of the people around you. You are someone who doesn't like to take the world for granted. You want to see and learn everything. Your brain is fucking heavy. You absorb and soak in so much. You enjoy the little things. You find beauty in nature. You are gentle when you need to be and only hard when it's absolutely necessary, — like when your dreams are at stake, when someone is wasting their potential, when the world is collapsing, when you're tired from not seeing more of what life has to offer. Your priorities are always in order.
You're always thinking about how to give. Your thoughtfulness was the first thing I noticed I loved about you. I complained about my sister stealing my flat-iron and how I'm awful at wig maintenance and you order a flat iron for my the next day. You bought my skates for our damn first date. You'd drive all the way from Regent Park to Eglinton & Oakwood just to bring my ass back to Regent Park so we can sleep together. You made me porridge, one of my favourite comfort foods, when I got my wisdom teeth taken out. You made sure to have plants at home so I felt like it was also mine. You cooked for months until I was ready to learn to cook, on my own terms, not just for you but because I wanted to learn naturally and have fun in the kitchen. You let me throw out those awful brown sheets from the bed lol. You give your time, energy and heart into everything. That is why you are the most incredible friend. You will listen to people for hours, and not expect anything in return. You will order food to people's house. You will stop your day to make sure someone is safe. You will hold onto anyone who needs to be held. That is why you are the most incredible father. You treat Lex like a real person, not a child who knows nothing. You make space for him to express, and make room for mistakes. You wipe his tears and you give him what he needs before he asks. That is why you're the most incredible partner. You care about my comfort. You will do anything to give me incredible experiences. You will show me that you've been listening. You call me everyday on your ride home from work. You include me. You will do anything to make feel safer. You will buy me hair bonnets when you're in a store that reminds you of me. You will love me even when it's hard to love myself.
You're so funny. I don't care what you say, you are way funnier than me. Your laugh is literally my favourite thing. I truly feel like the world would suffer tremendously if you stopped laughing. The way you can picture what someones life story is just by looking at them, the way you can literally do ANY accent/impersonation, the way you pretend to be dead anytime I come home, the way you answer phone calls when you're in a good mood or will randomly make animal-like noises, the way you'll effortlessly roast corny people in any movie, the way you describe bad outfits, the way you laugh at yourself when you've made a bad concoction in the kitchen, the way you get afraid for a minute and do the scary thing anyway but will remind me every second that you're still scared, the way you must break silences, the way you yell at Lex for breathing, the way you make fun of your colleagues affectionately, the way you just make every room feel less stiff. You are charming, hilarious and way too wonderful of a human.
Absolutely no one loves the way you do. There is no other you.
Since the day we met you have always been the biggest sweetheart. I know that word gets thrown around a lot but I mean truly, you oozed sweetness as soon as I saw you. Your smile. Your kindness. Your thoughtfulness. Whew, that face. The sweetest face. I was so nervous that day. I had no idea what to expect, all I knew was you were much older than me, you had a baby boy, but I had the biggest crush on you already. I wanted to make sure you saw me as a smart, sophisticated and intelligent woman. You seemed like the type of guy who didn't settle and only sought out high-value people, places and things. I was so right. You were exactly what I thought you'd be, except much safer, friendlier and more humble. I wanted to impress you so badly but you made it obvious that you didn't need glitter and glamour to be impressed. You were looking for a real person and that terrified me.
I remember first going onto the ice not knowing I still had the blade safety shields on. I was so embarrassed. We had talked for weeks about me ice-skating when I was child, how much I love it and pretty much know the basics. I felt heart race when I realized something was wrong and you might be thinking I'm a complete liar and have no idea what I'm doing (Lol). Thank God you saw for yourself, that it really was the blade shield getting in my way. After that, everything felt so natural and easy on ice with you. I feel like life with you is so similar. You stand on a lot of heavy things as a sibling, father, friend, business owner and now manager but you make it look so effortless. You make it look smooth and you never leave a crack on the ice. At least, not that I've seen. When we held hands, I felt in my gut that it wouldn't be the last time.
I know in the car ride home, I start to get a little stiff (as I do). I was so nervous to talk about myself. The life you had seemed so adult, I felt unexperienced. I lured you into coming back to my place for two reasons:
1) I wanted to be like "look, I have some things together too. My beautiful new condo." and 2) I really wanted to kiss you. Your full lips, annoyingly white teeth, and entire mouth/beard caught my attention the whole drive to get food. You know, pre-braces you was pretty fucking perfect. You just wanted to be more perfect huh?
I embarrassed myself a few times when you came over. But I really really liked you and didn't want you to leave. You were such a subtle flirt, there was a charm about you that made me smile without you having to speak. Our first kiss was soft and sweet. It encapsulated you very well. Soft in all the right ways. Sweet in the most unforgettable way.
Buying me ice skates for our very first date will always be the best gift anyone has ever given me. I'll never, ever forget it.
About the Author
Keosha is a Toronto based artist who first met Stefan when she was 23 years old. Keosha's life changed the moment they met at the Paul Quarrington Ice Rink on December 11th, 2020. The number 11 has become a significant number in Keosha's life because Stefan's birthday is also on the 11th month and his birthday centers when they first had a real conversation that went until 3 in the morning. Keosha has never loved a person more than she's ever loved Stefan, he is everything she has ever dreamed of and more. This blog is dedicated to him and their love.